Dear Lili

Dear Lili,
Hi I miss you.
We miss you.
I carry you with me all the time. I tell people about you everywhere and any chance I have that someone may listen.
That is me your
Nanabanana
I love you

of Copee and Ploblums

Dear Lili,
It is Tuesday morning and I am just waking up which means as you know I am having a cup of copee.....That is how you would say coffee when you were young. Just like the word problem. You would tell complete strangers "There are Ploblums...." I guess you wanted people to know. I knew. I knew and you knew that there was nothing we could do without them taking you away. We were not ready for it. I did not want to lose you. I had already lost one so many years before that I kind of acted on instinct. I COULD not lose you.
Any way my dear. Black spring break is in about 3 weeks and Easter is I think next week. I will be thinking of you.
Hey....remember when You and I went to Bellingraf Gardens in Mobile? I took pictures of you with the hoop ladies? It was Easter. We went on an Easter Egg hunt. lol. I had so much fun with you that day when we went looking at all the flowers.
I love you Lili thank you for finding me.
Nana

Dear Lili

Dear Lili
I think I will use this name for you, as I cannot use your real name. Not here. I don't want to harm anyone especially you. I just want you to know just how much a part of us you are. I know one day you will read this.
I live in a new house now Lili. I think you would like it here. We could take walks around the golf course if we wanted to. I am very near the water. We even have a boat. You would have to wear a life vest of course, regardless of how well you swim.
The yard is big. I hope next year you will be here so we can do the planting together. Until then I have been planting in your name.
I planted Iris', gladiolas', black eyed susans, poppies, petunia's....and of course some catnip for the kitties. Yes Lili I said kitties. There are 3 cats and a dog here. It is so much fun.
I miss you. I hope you are having a good day my little love.
I love you
I miss you
Nana

Mile is the new Kitty's name

Dear Grand-daughter,
Have I mentioned that I have a kitty now? Her name us Mile, Milly is how you say it. She is a fur ball. I know if you were here you would be chasing her instead of her terrorizing the other cats and dog and US!! She loves to run and jump. She jumps very high.
I planted some more seeds today. Maybe you will see them
I hope you are well
I miss you so very much
I love you,
Nana

Hey girl!

I love you.
I made shepherds pie. I cleaned, and I thought of you. I have your pictures next to my bed. You are a cute child.
talk to you soon.
love Nana

Gardening with my Sunshine girl

Dear Sunshine,
I tried to work in the yard today. I did a little bit of work until I broke the pruners I was working with on a bush that was not a rose bush. I looked at the seeds. They are growing. I checked out the rosebushes, they also have blooms on them.
I moved the bird house from the stand and put it in a tree, cleaned out the water fountain and put more birdseed out.
I know you would love to do all of this with me.
I also painted a new picture today. I used reds and yellows.
I hope you are well.
Your mother has been in premature labor for about 2 weeks now. I know she had to cancel visiting you. She hates to do this to you and it hurts her too.
She gave me your message by the way.
S'agapo baby girl too.
Nana

I wish you were gardening with me.

March 23, 2010
Dear grand-daughter
I am in bed posting blog after blog for you. I had to catch up on the previous years. I wrote way more letters in my mind I just did not get them to the computer. Sorry about that. I have been gardening and I think of you and your love of flowers. I wish you were here to plant seeds with me.
I love you
nana

Dear grand-daughter

June 7, 2009
Hi my grand-daughter
I am missing you so very much tonight….I miss you everyday but I find there are moments that are more intense than others……I find that I can share my stories of you with certain people…..and then I end up crying…..I miss your little arms around my neck…..I know your mother is tore up….she cries all the time for you…..
Why? Why do they do this to us? Why would they want to hurt you so very much? Don’t those idiots know that they are doing you damage?
Your brother is growing up…..he calls me nana now too….
He is a mess. He would make you laugh so hard you would potty your britches……where is my Sunshine?
I love you my little grand daughter.
Nana

Happy Easter

April 12, 2009
Happy Easter My Beautiful beautiful Grand-daughter
We miss you. I hope today you are having a fun filled and loving day. Soon my child we will have you in our arms again. I love you
Nana

We miss you.....You think?

April 1, 2009
Dear grand-daughter
Good morning my precious grand-daughter
I miss you so very much. I was thinking of you this morning as I do many other mornings….and I was thinking of how your mother rented a 3 bedroom apartment. She did this because she is waiting for you. She wants you to have your own room. We are waiting for your family on that side to come to their senses. We have heard from your step grandmother you blew up at them. And all I can say is YOU GO GIRL!! I know you know in your heart that we love you….we spoke of this in certain moments. I recall preparing you for something like this. Sad that I had to but I did.
Your mom is waiting to graduate from beauty school and to get a good job in order to get a good attorney to help her. I of course am perpetually broke. I am sorry my child. If I have failed anywhere it is here. Not having the money to help your mother get you back. We all miss you so very much… Your cousin Mantha just wants to come to your house on in the Bay…..
I wonder how school is darling…..how do you like your friends….do you have a best friend yet?
I wonder many things.
I love you
Nana

She dreams of you

March 25, 2009
Dear Grand-daughter
We heard last week that your step-monster was going to try and get you from your grandparents and then she was going to let you see your mother….this made your mama so very happy….
Your mother has the same dream of you over and over again…..she dreams she is in an argument I think……and then she hears your voice calling her, Mama mama….she always wakes up crying…..
I feel for the two of you. I don’t really know why….but your family has had it out for your mother from day one.
I pray that God softens their heart….I am still waiting….
All we have done is try and love you the best we can… I don’t understand the rest of this…..it is over a year now since I have seen you……I miss you my darling…..
I miss watching you play dress up and putting your make up on……I miss you riding your bike…..oh how I loveyou.
Nana

YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE

March 11, 2009
DEAR GRANDDAUGHTER
IT HAS BEEN A FULL YEAR SINCE I HAVE SEEN YOUR SWEET SMILING FACE…OR I HAVE FELT THOSE LITTLE ARMS AROUND ME…..I MISS YOU MY SUNSHINE….I MISS YOU MY DRAGON BREATH QUEEN
WHERE ARE YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I HEAR THERE IS A CHANCE THAT YOU WILL BE BACK AMONG US…..I PRAY THIS IS TRUE…..
I WONDER HOW TALL HAVE YOU GROWN…I WONDER HOW THE CONTOURS OF YOUR FACE MUST HAVE CHANGED…..
I PRAY GOD SOFTENS THEIR HEARTS SO WE CAN SEE YOU AGAIN. MY LITTLE LOVE…..I CARRY YOU WITH ME DAILY….I WEAR A BRACELET WE BOTH PURCHASED WHEN WE WERE OUT DOING THINGS TOGETHER ONE DAY…….
NANA

HAPPY NEW YEAR

DEAR GRANDDAUGHTER

IT IS NEW YEARS EVE AND WE ARE WITHOUT YOU AGAIN….YOUR BIRTHDAY HAS COME AND GONE AS WELL AS CHRISTMAS AND NOW THIS HOLIDAY.
YIAYIA HAD A DREAM ABOUT YOU LAST NIGHT….SHE SAW YOU AS WE ALWAYS SEE YOU …JUST WALKING AROUND AND LOOKING IN TO EVERYTHING, I MISS TALKING WITH YOU AND I MISS WATCHING YOU DRESS UP AND MAKEUP.
I HOPE BABY GIRL THAT YOU ARE BEING TAKEN CARE OF….WE MISS YOU. YOUR MOTHER IS NOT TAKING THIS TOO WELL…..BUT SHE IS STILL GOING TO SCHOOL CAUSE SHE SAYS YOU WILL NEED HER TO BE IN A BETTER FINANCIAL POSITION AFTER ALL THAT IS WHAT BROUGHT ALL THIS ON…THEY KNEW WE HAD NO RESOURCES TO FIGHT THEM.
WELL MY CHILD I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU AND EVERYONE AROUND HERE MISSES YOU EVEN OUR BROTHER GOES AROUND SAYING LILI…HE CALLS YOUR MOM LILI SOMETIMES…..
I LOVE YOU MY GRANDDAUGHTER
NANA

Happy birthday baby girl

DECEMBER 21 2008
Dear Granddaughter,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY…..HAPPY BIRTHDAY… HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

I pray that today you have such a day that you remember it for all of your life….and I hope it is a day full of good memories….
My love I know you are wondering where we are…..and maybe not…..they may have told you all you know….but I quarantee they have not told you the entire truth….they cant it makes them look bad
These days all I pray for is that God softens their heart….cause for the life of me I cannot understand why they would take you away from an entire family that adores you….you were never in danger….i don’t understand….
All I know is I miss you with all my heart…..and I wish I had your little hand in mine…..and I was wishing you happy birthday in person…..
I love you we are all suffering as I know you are….because we have been separated…..
I pray that God puts an end to this madness…
I love you baby girl
Nana

LEEEELLLEEEEE!!!

Oct. 29, 2008
Dear granddaughter
I woke up early this morning and then went back to bed. I just was not done sleeping. To my surprise I had the most fantastic dream…..I was asleep in my dream and it was night, and I woke up to your little head popping up and looking at me with that mischevious smile of yours…your hair was all tussled….then for the rest of the dream we played hide and seek….I would look all over for you and when you would show up I would have this intense feeling of happiness.
Your baby brother misses you when ever he sees your picture he says louldly LEELEE…..he can’t say your name yet…..Halloween in coming I wonder what you will be this year….I wonder how you are doing in school…I wonder if you still like to play dress up…I pray at night that God will soften your grandparent’s hearts toward us….I do not know why they hate us so much….
I miss you so very m uch my little love.
Nana

Dear Grand-daughter

September 22 2008
Dear Grand-daughter,
I think about you every day. We talk about you everyday
I wonder what you are doing, how tall you are getting.
Your brother asks about lili all the time.
Especially when he sees your pictures.
It has been 6 months since I have seen you and I cannot believe that.
It is hard for me not to be angry at your family over there but I am.
I will keep this up for you, this letter writing.
One day I know you will read it all.
I love you my sweet heart.
I hope you do not forget me.

Dear Grandchild

October 5 2008
Dear Grand-daughter
I had a dream about you the other night. I woke up sobbing.
I cried so much before I woke up that my eyes were swollen the next day.
Honey I cannot even call you to ask how you are doing.
Why?
Well the family you come from really hate your mother. They hate her because she chose to leave your daddy. Maybe when you get older we will be able to get to the bottom of what really happened.
All I know is that they also hate the woman your father married. And they would not allow her to have anything to do with you either.
In a way I am glad because I worried about you being with the two of them.
Your Daddy had a big problem with drugs, that is one reason why your mother left…I don’t know if you will understand this.
But then you won't really know till you are a lot older.
I love you my kouchouny

Cognitive Behavioral Techniques to try

Here are some Cognitive behavior techniques that may work....I am going to try them out I will let you know.
Slow-talk/slow walk/slowing down

Stopping automatic negative thinking (ANTs)

The acceptance paradox: how we keep the fires burning and how to put them out

Rational and helpful self-statements that can become permanent and "automatic"

Continuing to move our self-statements up

Whose voice are you listening to, anyhow? Do we have to listen and believe all those old lies?

The determination factor: becoming more focused and gently determined

Focusing: What are you paying attention

Paranoid Personality Disorder

301.0 Paranoid Personality Disorder:

A. A pervasive distrust and suspicion of others such that their motives are interpreted as malevolent, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by 4 or more of the following:

(1) suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her

(2) is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trust-worthiness of friends or associates

(3) is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against him or her

(4) reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanins into benign remarks or events

(5) persistently bears grudges, is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights

(6) perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack

(7) has recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding fidelity of spouse or sexual partner.
B. Does not occur exclusively during the course of Schizophrenia, a Mood Disorder With Psychotic Features, or another Psychotic Disorder and is not due to the direct physiological effects of a general medical condition.

Did you know?

Research has now shown that children's and teen's brains are very sensitive to stress (up to 5 to 10 times more sensitive than adult brains) and can be damaged by frequent or ongoing stress. What seems like mild to moderate stress for an adult, may be very severe stress for a child. This stress-related brain damage can greatly increase risk for many types of mental illness later in life.

Spring afternoon

It is a beautiful rainy spring day. I have been my work on the internet. I am listening to the music I want to. I am eating healthy and drinking plenty of fluids. I am in love and he is in love also. We have a wonderful home, which is a wonderful work in progress.
I am working on the gardens this year. We want to clean it up a little and add some color. We may add a pond in the back. I guess that one depends on when we get started and if we have enough oomph in us. It requires digging a huge hole. I won't mention all the azaleas that need trimming but since they are covered in buds we have to wait on that one. There are 3 of 4 banana trees that need removing, so that the new growth will come in without the blight of the dead winter on it.
I am researching anxiety aggresively. I have decided to go off my paxil. It has helped me until now. Now I want to be natural. I feel safe enough.

How can social anxiety be treated?

Many therapeutic methods have been studied, but cognitive-behavioral therapy is the only method that has been shown to work effectively. In fact, treatment of social anxiety through cognitive-behavioral methods has the capacity to produce long-lasting, permanent relief from the anxiety-ridden world of social anxiety.
Social anxiety responds to relatively short-term therapy, depending on the severity of the condition. I have seen significant progress in short periods of time. To overcome social anxiety, completion of a behavioral therapy group is also essential (when people feel ready for this and not before).
What socially anxious people do not need is years of therapy or counseling. You can't be counseled out of social phobia. In fact, socially anxious people who are taught to analyze and relive their problems usually make their social anxiety and fears much worse, which in turn leads to depression, which just reinforces the fact that I will never get better.
THERE IS A BETTER LIFE FOR ALL PEOPLE WITH SOCIAL ANXIETY.
Without treatment, social anxiety is a torturous and horrible emotional problem; with treatment it is fixable. Add to this that current research is clear that cognitive-behavioral therapy is highly successful in the treatment of social anxiety.
In fact, the people who are unsuccessful are the ones who are not persistent in their practice and who won't stick with simple methods and techniques at home. They are the ones who give up.
If a person wants to end the years of anxiety, then cognitive-behavioral treatment provides the ways to lessen the anxiety and make our world a much more peaceful place.
On a personal note, I have had years of therapy not cognitive-behavioral, but regular rehash the past therapy. My anxiety reached level highs for me.....I now find out that I did not need to do this? Mind you....I still would have but I would have also included the cognitive behavioral therapy.....it works....
SMILE!

Therapy

If a person is motivated to end the years and years of crippling anxiety, then cognitive-behavioral treatment provides the methods, techniques, and strategies that come together to lessen the anxiety and make the world a much more enjoyable place.

Social Anxiety

I have social anxiety. I thought that time coupled with awareness would make it go away. Well guess what? It takes work....real effort to confront this demon. Meaning that today I am going to a dinner party. N0 nothing fancy just a group of people who know each other....except for me....I agreed....the last time I went up there was last summer....I feel bad. It has nothing to do with them as people...they are great. I just can't handle it.....so tonight I am going to handle it....

Spiraling

Does anyone know what I mean if I say...."I am spiraling"?
Imagine what a spiral is. Close your eyes and picture that cyclone type shape.....
And then imagine you are in the center of it....it is in your head but you are in it.....and it is pulling you down....it is causing you to see things from another perspective...a perspective you tried so hard to alter.....(change..change sounds hard to do. I like alter...it seems possible)
And then you are just gone....you have to walk away....you must.
this is how I feel when I feel threatened..or insulted...Must be a bad one to insult me....I am laid back......err....I like to think I am.
Now I am rambling......
spiraling.
crazy,
dark,
constricting,
numbing,
holding hysteria at bay,
I start to watch,
I am scared,
no comprehension....
Of course at some point I do come out of it......
NOw that I am older I have noticed that the damage is minimul.
I learn from every single flash I have.
I am grateful for them.

Today versus yesterday

Where can I begin with this new page? Which direction would I like for it to go?
I know I want to know people from all over the world who are overcoming as I have done. If a person has not experienced....abandonement.....abuse.......alcoholism....drug abuse.....and many more things....well they do not understand us. I have many experiences with "normal" people that felt crazier than the craziest crazy I ever met.....and let me tell you I have met my share in this life time.....
More to come.
You know what the saddest part of all of this recovery is? That there are people who need to do that....and do not even know they need to....
that is scary!
They are the ones who blame all of their woe on another being. Never taking responsibility for anything bad in their lives...
I want to talk about all these years of therapy. I want to share what I have learned...Everything. I want to hear from anyone else who has something they would like to share also.....
I do try and smile. That is what this particular blog was supposed to be about. Walking through life with a smile on the face....I fail miserably....I don't know when I started to wear my inner turmoil....but somewhere I did just that.
When I was younger I had a smile...a BIG smile plastered to my face....I had dimples. Those dimples are now wrinkled. lol
I am getting better. It does not feel that way on certain days....but I find it is usually of my own doing....accepting culpability...well...that is a humbling experience....to say the least.
Yesterday I was miserable each nanosecond of my life...now I am maybe miserable 2 hours a month...the rest of the time...I am in turmoil...yes. But it is stuff I need to look at. The miserable comes in at times when I have flashbacks...emotional...physical....mental.....I have them all.......
I am the most normal crazy person you will ever meet....Come check my brain out....
I may be OCD....I was told once I was just a little OCD....I asked is that like being a little pregnant??